It’s been years, but I still have trust issues.
I walk with my insecurities every day. Some part of the abuse never leaves your side; you gradually just learn to live with all of it. You push your fears aside, little by little every day, and you finally learn to lift your head up.
Dating was supposed to be about falling in love with the right person and making them your forever after! No one ever told me about all this feud and drama. Was I incapable of sustaining a long-term relationship? When you finally take a look into it, you realize it wasn’t you who was the weak link. You suffered because of the wrong decision you took in the very beginning of the relationship, the decision of letting the wrong person into your life.
I need you all to think about the people you have dated in the past, all those horrible damaging relationships, all those people with their crazy stories. Look at the pattern you have been following like some serial killer on a spree. Isn’t it frightening how these people have caused you so much harm and yet you fail to see through per-relationship haze and end up dating similar people over and over again?
These people were initially charming, but you soon realize that, they too walk with ugly insecurities and a dark past. Yes, they were confident enough to break through and reach my core, but they weren’t the type of people who would want to stick around for long. These men lead me into a lucid state of freedom and I soon realized that was not what I was looking for.
I easily gave in to their coherent attitude and charismatic charms, but I was looking for stability, someone I could count on. I was looking for someone who was like an old friend, distant but still there. They were indecisive and inconsistent. They feared emotionally investing in a relationship.
For them, their freedom mattered more than their partners’ integrity. They would run away from situations that demanded stance and decision-making. They would push you away when they felt like it, and would let you back in when their heart demanded.
They would try to mend broken hearts with promises, but promises weren’t alone to suffice, they need to be acted upon. I was in love and thought that I had no other choice, I had to believe, and I had to push forward, when every ounce of my existence screamed not to.
A PERSON WHO IS INCAPABLE OF PUTTING SOMEONE ELSE BEFORE THEM IS A NARCISSIST, AND SHOULDN’T BE DATING PEOPLE.
Don’t get me wrong, you don’t need to put your partner above yourself every single time.
I perched under the impression that I was incapable of landing men who were emotionally stable enough to row the boat as equals.
I tossed back and forth between oblivion and dynamism, I felt hollowed out and I decided that this was the last time I would set myself in such a state. I finally refused to treat myself wrong.
The right guy for me would be someone I could break through, someone who would let me see his true self. I had broken off with humanity; I decided to let the right people back into my life. The people who supported me in my initial struggle with life, these people had no drama to them. They helped me get back to life to collect myself and put all the pieces back together. I soon started surrounding myself with the right people, ones I could trust with life. These people gave me an idea what the right guy would be like.
I have seen the right guy so many times in my life. I have seen him in my father when he holds the door open for my mother and my sisters. I have seen him in my friend when he makes lunch for his wife, while she tends for the baby. I have seen him in my grandfather, when he is not able to sleep without my grand mother. I have seen true love and real men in so many faces and forms. I have seen what it’s like to be in a forever relationship.
I have learnt that the right man will not have the perfect body, he wouldn’t own a big house and a great car, he wouldn’t have bank balance, yet he will be perfect in every way. He will be the one who would give you a home, he would not be afraid to put a ring on your finger, he wouldn’t be afraid to have babies with you and he will stand with you through thick and thin. Even when things are really messed up, he will stay there with you.